Signature Spell of the Dusk Witch
Every self-respecting well-established witch, wizard, warlock, mage, and magic-user of any stripe1 must have a signature spell, one that awes others with magic prowess and yet bears a personal touch, such that it is indisputable when they (or their devotees) are present.
The Dusk Witch, being a sorceress of magnificent power and impeccable taste, unquestionably has a signature spell.2 While some arrogant pencil-necked tower-bound dopes might name their spells after themselves, the Dusk Witch is as humble as she is beautiful and mighty, and so has given her spell a simple name without any adornment. In her own words, the spell speaks for itself.
Bones Outside, Skin Inside
Level: 5
Duration: Instantaneous
Range: 240'.
Effect: The spell targets one creature. It puts their bones on the outside and their skin on the inside. It is painful, fatal, and most importantly, humiliating.
How to Learn the Spell
Roll a 1d6.
- Apprentice under the Dusk Witch for a century and a day. You must also sign the Waiver of the Dusk Witch agreeing that she is not liable for maiming, death, permanent transformation, sudden understanding of the things that lurk in the uncreated night, or asbestos exposure.
- Quest to reach the Dusk Witch's lair. Note that this quest must be sufficiently epic. It must be epic enough to be worthy of a power metal album, or she will use the spell on you. If you make a power metal album about your quest, you get a +2 to her initial reaction roll.
- Decode the secret message hidden in the Novarion Sector lore, with the code in the Vanguard ruleset.3
- Read the formulae scribed in the ossified intestines of the Enfleshed Skeleton.
- Find the hidden cavern of Maesmo, where the Dusk Witch left her 200,000 word fantasy heartbreaker. The spell is written in the second section of the third book ("Witchery"), not the spell index.
- Pay the Dusk Witch (the real life person) $200 real U.S. dollars or items of equivalent or greater value.4 I do not care what game you are playing, I don't care what class your character is or if you even have classes. Do that, get me on the phone and I will argue with your ref or GM or whatever. I won't guarantee success but I'll try.
Frequently Asked Questions About Bones Outside, Skin Inside
How does Bones Outside, Skin Inside work?
It's a magic spell that puts the bones on the outside and the skin on the inside.
Yeah but like, how does it work? What does it look like when it happens?
It puts the bones on the outside and the skin on the inside. I do not know how I can simplify this further.
Okay, but what does it look like after it happens?
You ever see that video of the whale getting blown up by dynamite?
Can Illusionists also cast this spell?
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Can Clerics learn this spell?
What? What kind of divine power would ever allow something like this? If you find out let me know, I want to talk with them. I've got good money they're responsible for this mess of a world.
Do targets get a save against the spell?
Nothing is going to "save" you from your bones being outside and your skin being inside, pal.
What about if I have a magical item?
Well, it's going to be my magical item after your bones are outside and your skin is inside.
What if I have magical bones and/or skin?
My magic is powerful! There are no bones and/or skin in all the epochs of all the realms that can yet defeat me! Even divine flesh will bend to my whims!5
What if I want to cast this on something without skin and/or bones?
If the target doesn't have skin and/or bones, it finds the nearest equivalent of each on the creature. The spell's smart like that.
Is casting Bones Outside, Skin Inside a bonus action?
What? What the hell are you talking about?
I need to know if it's a bonus action.
That's not a question, but fine, whatever.
If it's a bonus action, where does it resolve in the stack? I want use my coffeelock build to cast Silvery Barbs when
Shut up shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP6
Not spellswords, though. Those guys are lame.↩
The people who insisted she did not are now silent. Because she killed them with her signature spell.↩
Hint: What year was the first telegraph transmission? Now think - is there a state with that number?↩
Addendum from the Dusk Witch's attorney: Do not do this.↩
Addendum from the Dusk Witch's confessor: She did not mean this.↩
At this point, the Dusk Witch cast Bones Outside, Skin Inside on the questioner. We apologize for any remaining gore splatters.↩